A Majestic Unicorn

I have succeed by dying my hair to look like a majestic unicorn. My short rainbow hair fits perfectly with my "bad-ass" personality. (By "bad-ass" I mean I stayed up until 1 AM last night watching a movie and eating M&Ms on a school night #20yearsolddoneright ) To match my "bad-ass" personality, I wear light blue glasses with shirts that go up to my collar bone.

My badass-ness does not end with my stay up late self and wearing appropriate clothing for my body type, but when I tried to buy condoms for the first time. I was 16 years old.

This story all begins with my friend wanting to get back at a boy for using her for her great ability to lick popsicles. I mean seriously, give her any flavor popsicle and she could lick it with class: grape, cherry, and even orange. You know those twin popsicles that you have to break apart? She could break them in two with ease.

Anyway, we decided to TP his house because we were bored and thought it would be fun. Once we got to Target, we decided that instead of toilet paper that we would use tampons. We got red kool-ade and went back to her house to make the "bloody tampons". Too bad, we forgot the cornstarch to make it realistic...but you can't win them all.

After everything was ready, we put on our masks (aka those glasses with the mustaches on them) and walked outside. Then I said as my nerdy-never-kissed-a-boy-self, "We should buy condoms and stick them to his car."

Everyone cheered and thought it was the best idea! Woohoo!

We walk to Walgreens and picked out the variety pack because we didn't know the difference between ultra sensitive or x-small condoms. Trust me we were all nerds. And we get to the line, and I am the one who is supposed to buy the condoms but I couldn't.

I couldn't do it because my fear that one of the ladies from my mom's mahjong group would walk in. Then they would tell her all about at the next game night. (If you have a jewish mother, you will for sure understand this). So I basically left my friends hanging with the variety pack of condoms and went to wait outside.

"Buying" condoms that day was a big deal because I had a legit fear that my parents would find out.

Anyway, once they finally got the condoms. We walked back to my friends house and waited a little longer. Then we attacked! We ran down the street and tossed "bloody tampons" all over his front yard and put the condoms all over his car. We thought we were so bad ass. But looking back on it now, any 17 year old boy would be excited to get free condoms.

But whatever, the next Monday at school we all find out that the kid got grounded for two weeks and had to clean up the mess because his mother was sick and tired of his football friends coming and ruining her front yard.

Let's just say he never got another popsicle from my friend and our mission was accomplished!

And that concludes my life as a "bad-ass", now be prepared for stories on how to make the best rice pudding and when it is the best time to enjoy an afternoon walk in the hot memphis summer sun (fine, its 7:47 o'clock in the evening).